The Dispensing Of Pez
by Luna 'Tic' Vee
Summary: Another race has scoped Earth for invasion since before Zim arrived, and now their invader has come! Zim has a mighty need to be rid of her, but it's easier said than done.
1. It Starts

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chaper 1: It Starts  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
  
***  
  
"AAAAIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."  
  
Boom.  
  
***  
  
Dib sighed and removed his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose and growling softly. His head hurt. The night before, he and Zim had been locked in another climactic battle for the planet and the such, and he'd suffered a few nice clonks to the head. That, and the fact that he didn't get much sleep as a result, made him crabby and feeling altogether blah.  
  
Raven-haired boy sitting behind his desk, annoyed. Most likely still in pain. Zim grinned, his zipper-like teeth glinting in the fluorescent light of the classroom. Good. The Dib human deserved it for meddling. Too bad he hadn't been able to kill the meddler yet, though...  
  
"CLASS!" barked Ms. Bitters, slithering to the door in that serpentine way that only she could manage. "We have a new student joining us today. Be sure to greet her with all the warmth and cheer you would give anybody, making sure to build her sad, misguided dillusions of the real world being a kind and friendly place. Since you're all doomed anyway..." She grinned sickly at the thought of the kind of mental breakdown her students would endure some day.  
  
Ms. Bitters opened the door. "You may come in now."  
  
Dib's head snapped up and he quickly slapped his glasses on as he beheld the next sight, some small part of his mind being thankful for his mighty bladder control.  
  
A lesser boy would've pissed himself.  
  
Through the doors stepped a young girl, the same height as him, with skin so pale it could perhaps even beat out Gaz's melanin-deprived flesh. Her hair was snowy white, with big shaggy bangs that went down to her jaw and hung on either side of her face. The rest of her head was shaved bare, save for a small patch at the back of the top of her head, which was pulled into a small, one and half-inch long ponytail of sorts. Her eyes were emerald green, and posessed no pupils. A large, red, sickle-shaped tattoo screeched up from her jaw and went to just beside her nostril on the left side of her face.  
  
She wore a long, knee-length, grey and black striped shirt, with a long sleeve on the right, and a short, elbow-length sleeve on the left. The neck of the shirt was extremely big, and it sat at an odd angle, her left shoulder poking out of it. On her left arm, she wore a black forearm band, which ended in a point, ringing around her middle finger. Her right hand was coated in a black glove, the fingers and thumb of which were cut off, letting her digits poke through. Black pants, ending in HUGE black boots, laced tight around her thin legs. Around her neck hung a green pendant on a black cord, the pendant shaped like a diamond with two scythe-shaped protrusions coming from the bottom sides of the diamond-shape.  
  
But what freaked Dib out the most were her ears... They were pointed. And long. At least four inches, tipped with a small tuft of white hair/fur.  
  
She wasn't human...  
  
"I am Pez," she announced in a cold voice, monotone and almost condecending.  
  
Ms. Bitters slithered to her desk and sat down. "You may take any seat you wish, Pez. It will only prolong your suffering."  
  
Pez raised an eyebrow but said nothing, as she cast her shining, empty eyes across the classroom. Raising an eyebrow at Zim, she grinned, baring fangs.  
  
Dib gasped.  
Zim gasped.  
  
The Irken's eyes narrowed to slits as he hissed silently at Pez, looking like he was about to leap up and shoot her or something of the sort.  
  
Dib noticed the look being exchanged between the two during a moment that seemed like eternity. Did they know eachother? Did she know what Zim was? Did Zim know what she was? Hey! There's gum under this desk! Ewww...  
  
Pez turned away from Zim and noticed Dib. The seat behind him was empty. She figured that if anybody sat there, they would no longer do so. She walked across the room simply, her boots making clomping noises, and hopped behind the desk.  
  
"Adequate."  
  
Dib whipped around, narrowing his eyes and gritting his teeth. "So, PEZ, where are you from originally? Another PLANET, perhaps?"  
  
Pez raised an eyebrow. "New Jersey."  
  
"Close enough!" barked Ms. Bitters.  
  
***  
  
"Gaz, I'm telling you! That new girl's an alien! She's got pointed, hairy ears for the love of pants!" Dib said in his over-urgent type of way.  
  
Gaz meerely grunted and turned away. She was on what she had heard was the last level of that infernal Tetris.  
  
Dib sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking across the cafeteria at a mostly-empty table. Mostly empty.  
  
At the table sat Pez, scarfing down the slop that the Skool tried to pass off as lunch, staring narrow-eyed across the table at Zim, who returned the glare with as much hatred as he could muster. Dib had never seen that much hate in Zim's face, even towards him!  
  
"So... Mauian. You beasts trying to move in on Irken territory again? Do you never learn that our power surpasses yours?" Zim said cooly, casting a glance to the tattoo on Pez's face.  
  
"Ah, but are you not the one moving in on Mau's territory? We scoped out this planet long before your race, and you know it. Scavenger." Pez's voice never wavered, and never changed tone. Cold, calm, full of hate.  
  
Zim slammed his palms down on the table and hopped to his feet, leaning in, "WE ARE A PROUD AND MIGHTY RACE! NOT LIKE YOU HAIRY FILTH!" His outburst didn't even startle the rest of the cafeteria, aside from Dib, and Keef, the latter of whom just turned to stare longingly at Zim before going back to playing with a squirrel plush toy.  
  
Pez smirked and finished her food. "Whatever you say, Irken. You're all alike. So arrogant."  
  
"Like you have room to speak? You Mauians are some of the most conceited beings known!"  
  
"We're not conceited... We're convinced." Pez stood up and walked off, dumping her tray in the garbage can before walking out of the lunchroom.  
  
Zim clenched his fists, left eye twitching.  
  
Dib walked up and eyed the closing doors as Pez left, then turned, eyebrow cocked, towards Zim, suspicion scribbled on his face in purple sharpie. "I presume you know eachother?"  
  
"Not in the slightest, Human," Zim spat, turning to Dib.  
  
"... Then what is she?" Dib visibly twitched, curiosity getting the best of him.  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Zim cocked a hip out and put his hands on them. Oh, he so liked having information that Dib wanted. It made him feel all specialriffic.  
  
Dib sighed and rolled his eyes. "Zim, think about it this way, maybe, if I knew what she was, I would be able to expose her... and get her out of your hair?" He tried a longshot, thinking quickly. He hardly expected it to work.  
  
"I have no hair, Earthen skin-tube. But yes, I see your point in this matter. I shall concede that you are correct, THIS ONCE! You see she's a member of a race known as the Mauians..."  
  
***  
  
Pez walked into her base, disguised as the average house, much less conspicuous than Zim's, of course, with a nicely landscaped front yard, slate sidewalk, and a dead mouse sitting beside the doorstep.  
  
"Ugh..." Pez rolled her eyes and looked around shiftily. Once she was sure nobody was watching her, she closed her eyes, and suddenly, what looked like a bone sliced through her left hand from the wrist, extending and changing shape until it looked like a shovel of sorts.   
  
Pez bit her lip in pain until the process was complete, and easily flicked the rodent's carcass out of the yard with the tip of the bone.   
  
Quickly, she retracted the bone, it shrinking and changing shape until her arm was fully intact once again.  
  
"PIR," she growled, opening her door and stepping inside.  
  
"HI MASTER!" squeaked a little robot, running up to her while holding a spatula.  
  
The little robot was 3/4 Pez's size, and in build, identical to the average Irken SIR bot. It had green eyes, a purple antenna deedlebob, and random glowing purple body parts. It was painted with the same mark on its face as the tattoo on Pez's cheek, and had little finger-less gloves painted on its hands, along with tan stripes all over its arms, legs, and body. It also wore a ball-link necklace with a smaller version of the pendant Pez wore.  
  
"Hello, PIR," Pez said. "Did you leave a rat carcass on the walk?"  
  
"Yeeeeeeesssss? It was all squeaky! And I was like 'don' you squeaky at me' and it was all 'squeakysqueakysqueaky' so I give him head explody!" the little robot explained in so many words.  
  
Pez sighed. "PIR, how many times do I have to remind you not to touch the Earthen mammalbeasts? We don't know if they're poisonous or the such."  
  
"Awww..." PIR looked down at the floor sadly, before snapping 'his' head up and squealing, "Ima go clone some food! Food is gooood..." and walked off.  
  
Pez raised an eyebrow before letting out an exasperated breath. "That's what I get for salvaging one of those Irken beasts' robots," she muttered, pulling a small device from her pocket. With a press of the big shiny green button on it, a soft purple glow surrounded her, before blinking out in a flash of light, removing her disguise.  
  
Pez stretched and looked in the nearby mirror. "Much better. These Humans are so boring." She admired her lovely purple skin, claw-like hands, feline feet, and extremely long, white-furred tail, tipped with an odd collection of sword-sharp bones shaped the same as the pendant she and PIR wore. The colouration on her ears ran progressively lightening from purple at the base to white at the tufts of hair.  
  
"Ah, now I feel grounded," she mumbled, contentedly, and meandered over to a large bean-bag chair, dropping belly-down onto it, flicking her tail from side to side.  
  
PIR walked back into the room and handed Pez a candy bar.  
  
"Ah, the only really nice thing about this planet, my dear PIR. The food is lovely," Pez said, taking a bite out of the candy. "Mmm...nougat."  
  
"I likes pie!" PIR announced, earning an odd look from Pez. "Did Master have fun at skool today?"  
  
"Barg. It sucked, PIR. Not only are these humans drab, but one is suspicious of me already, and not to mention the fact that THERE'S AN IRKEN INVADER IN MY CLASS!" Pez jumped up and lashed her tail, nearly hitting the TV.  
  
"YAY!" PIR squeaked.  
  
"No, PIR, that's bad."  
  
"Ohh... BUMMER!" PIR smiled wide.  
  
"...I have a headache."  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: I heart Pez. She sho cool. XD Once I stop being lazy, I'll get my coloured pencil drawings up on my art site, SHINY! (linked in my profile) so that you guys can see Pez and my illustrations for Chigaimasu. *nod* Pez's tail is fun.  
  
One More Note: I heart Spazzy!Dib. ^.^  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zim are owned by Jhonen Vasquez. Bow to his mighty colourful hair-ed-ness of DOOM! Or... something. I'm still working on this disclaimer. ^^;  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Extra Savoir-Faire? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Fankoo! 


	2. This Chapter Is REALLY Short

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 2: This Chapter Is REALLY Short  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
  
***  
  
"Aha, here's the problem!" Pez prodded around in PIR's hollow metal cranium while the little bot squirmed and whined.  
  
Retracting the bone back into her index finger, Pez closed PIR's head up with a sigh. "Broken. You are one bipolar little bugger, PIR."  
  
PIR looked up at Pez for a moment, his features crossing from a smile to a pout. "I'm... brokeded?"  
  
Pez pulled PIR into her arms. Poor PIR. He didn't ask to be cast aside. He didn't ask to be sent for scrap. But he also didn't ask to be reactivated. Pez's need for companionship had gotten the better of her. Sometimes she wondered if PIR would've been better off in that scrap dump. If she hadn't been selfish. PIR was a sentient being, with emotions just like anyone else. "Sorry, PIR. I shouldn't've said it like that. You're not broken. You're just... um, special."  
  
PIR looked wide-eyed at Pez for a moment, studying her face, before chirping happily and smiling again.  
  
Pez smiled back. PIR was a sweet little robot... When he wasn't killing small mammals. "Okay, hon, go play for a bit. I'm going to need your help later if we're going to repair the Osiris."  
  
"Yah! Space ship go BOOOM!" PIR grinned, obviously back to his normally manic state.  
  
"Yah, and Pez go owie." Pez winced at the memory of a few short nights ago, and rubbed a bruise she'd received from the crash.  
  
"Ima go play! Bye, Master!" PIR sped off in a random direction.  
  
"Don't kill anything, PIR!" Pez called after the little bot, sighing as she heard an, "Awwww, man!" in return.  
  
***  
  
Zim sat in the deep recesses of his lab, thinking, plotting, chewing on something made of plastic. GIR's destruction and squealing didn't even phase the Irken, as he made outlines of blueprints of plots in his head.  
  
"Hmmm... HMmm... HMMM!" Zim spat out the plastic item and ran his tongue along his teeth. He then proceeded to punch in something on his computer, watching the readout pop up.  
  
"The biology of a Mauian," the computer read aloud.  
  
The monitor displayed a picture of a Mauian woman, showing all the outer anatomy. This made Zim gag and punch in something else, the monitor now changing its display to a diagram of the Mauian skeletal system.  
  
Zim read the text scrolling on the side of the screen, eyes flicking back and forth, skipping over unimportant parts, of course.  
  
"HI, MASTER!" GIR screamed, standing right behind Zim's chair for who knows how long.  
  
"DAH!" Zim screamed, and promptly fell out of his chair.  
  
GIR giggled to himself, and skipped off, singing to himself. "Glistening white triangular tooth..."  
  
Zim growled, now sitting on his head, eyes narrowed. "Ouch."  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Yeah, lots of PIR in this chappy. And yes, ish short. Chappy 3 will be longer, I promise. This was mostly a PIR chappy, because I heart PIR. I needed to give him a bit more in the way of personality. He's not just another GIR clone, he just acts sorta like one when he's happy. Also, he kills stuff! ^^ He reminds me of my cats, hehe.  
  
Also, I've finally uploaded my "Chigaimasu" illustrations, and a drawing of Pez and Zim looking mad to my web page, SHINY! http://www.geocities.com/shinyluna  
And they're under the coloured pencil section. ^.^  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zim are owned by Jhonen Vasquez. Bow to his mighty colourful hair-ed-ness of DOOM! Or... something. I'm still working on this disclaimer. ^^;  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Pirates? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Gracias! 


	3. Lecture Time!

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 3: Lecture Time!  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
Mooooooooooooooooooooo  
  
Dib blinked in confusion at the odd sound Zim's doorbell made.  
  
A few seconds later the door creaked and opened up, though Dib's entrance was blocked as Zim, in disguise, poked his head out of the door and looked around suspiciously, as if to scan the area for other intruders, any equipment placed by Dib, or for Pez. When he was satisfied with his search, he stepped away from the door, letting Dib in.  
  
"Welcome, human."  
  
"The day I actually believe that statement is the day piggies fly, ZIM." Dib couldn't help putting emphasis on Zim's name. He was a creature of habit.  
  
As if on cue, a toy rubber piggie came sailing through the air and crashed into Dib's head with a squeak. GIR came skittering after it, and picked up his fallen comrade, sniffling.  
  
"No! No Johnny! They got you! Dem and dey big heads! I'll save you! Don't die, Esh! You is my bruddah! Noooooo," the little robot screamed, falling to his knees and throwing his head back in a sorrowful howl that left Dib stunned and Zim grinding his teeth.  
  
After several minutes of this display, GIR eventually hopped to his feet, smiled at Dib, and wandered off, piggie in hand.  
  
Dib blinked a few times. What in Willard Scott's name was that about? Waitaminute! "HEY! My head is NOT THAT BIG!" Dib growled, stomping a foot.  
  
Zim couldn't help but snicker derisively as he removed his contacts. "Itchy," he mumbled, setting them aside with his wig. He didn't especially care if Dib saw him without his disguise. Not like that would be a new thing.  
  
"Come this way," he ordered, leading Dib over to the huge TV in the middle of the room. He motioned to the sofa with a limp-wristed flick of his hand. "Sit."  
  
Dib did as he was told, if only to avoid a fight. He was too tired to deal with another of their arguments. He hadn't slept much the night before, working on as many spy gadgets as he could. He knew they would all be considered pathetic to Zim's technological standards, but one could never know when they would come in handy.  
  
Zim cleared his throat and flicked his antennae back. "Computer! Display the visual aids from file Pez five zero twenty-seven forty-two!" he barked, prompting the TV to flicker and the physical maps from before display themselves on the screen. Satisfied, Zim pulled out a comically long pointer stick and turned to face Dib.  
  
Dib's eyes were busily scanning the information on the screen. Despite the fact that he couldn't read a single word, he made sure to store the images in the recesses of his mind.  
  
"This, is a model of the average Mauian invader. There are two classes of Mauian invaders. First, and second. The class of an invader is shown by the number of sickle-shaped tattoos on the face of the invader. A single tattoo, like the pest we're dealing with, denotes an invader first-class. First-class invaders get highly populated planets. Second class invaders, their rank denoted by a tattoo on each side of the face, get planets with little or no population. Their invaders also tend to be female, as the mammalian blood of their race dictates the females being more vicious," Zim announced, pointing to the twin tattoos on either side of the model's face onscreen.  
  
Dib couldn't help but smirk as an image of Gaz destroying worlds and generally invading flickered into his head. He continued to take notes as Zim lectured.  
  
"Their home planet of Mau is a large, lush, temperate world, rich with vegetation. The cities and much of the technology is built into harmony with this, so as to ensure staying true to their animal roots as much as possible. Savages. There's moderately more technologically advanced than you Human stinkbeasts, though tending towards solid matter instead of energy when dealing with projectile warfare. They also prefer hand-to-hand combat when up close. Actually, it's more like hand to bone."  
  
Zim pressed a word on the screen and a new set of information and images showed up onscreen. It showed a male Mauian, standing in a fighting pose, his tail, the bone structure at the end a long, barbed blade, poised for attack, with a long, barbed blade sticking out of each elbow, made out of bone. His fingers tipped in long, bony claws, as well as his feet. His knees had sprouted triangular blades pointing upwards, about a foot long. A pair of horns stuck out of his forehead, and spikes of bone ran down his back to the tail. A pair of scythe-shaped bones stuck out of his shoulders, giving new meaning to the phrase "shoulder blades."  
  
"You see, Human, the Mauians have the natural ability to change the placement and shape of their skeletal system at will. This gives them a huge advantage in close combat, because not only can they form blades and the such from their bones, but the material that makes up the skeleton is one of the strongest in the known universe. They're nearly unbreakable. This would make them impossible to defeat, if it weren't for the fact that the puncturing of the skin to create a blade hurts then as badly as any puncture like that would. A gland inside body secretes a liquid that immediately cauterizes the wound, stopping blood before it starts. The wound heals up immediately after the bone is retracted. Luckily, this only works for self-inflicted injuries. And internal organs aren't protected. It's not uncommon for a young Mauian, just learning this new skill, to puncture their own heart with a rib and die."  
  
Dib's eyes widened. Animal-like beings with such odd abilities, marvels of evolution to be sure. "So, basically, you're saying that Pez is stronger than the both of us, and we're all gonna die."  
  
"Not quite, Dib-Human. Now shut your noise hole and let me finish. There are a few ways we could defeat her. For one, Mauians, especially those in the military, such as that beast we must deal with, they have a very strict code of honour. No hitting a fallen opponent, no back-attacks without fair warning, respect for the dead, respect for the injured, the such. Mass combat, such as general warfare or invasion doesn't follow those rules, but the kind of combat we're going to give her would. Fighting dirty is a good tactic. Also, like I said before, she isn't as technologically advanced as the MIGHTY IRKEN RACE, and so it should be easy to take her out, or at least injure her severely enough, as long as we keep at a distance. I doubt either of us is faster than her, so we have to stay far away."  
  
"All this is well and good, Zim, but how in the world are we even going to get the chance to fight her, if the only time we see her is at school. I'd prefer NOT to get arrested for KILLING my classmate." Dib retraced the last few days of school in his head, going over details. He had noticed that Pez seemed to disappear as soon as the bell rang. He hadn't even seen her leave the building. Heck, as soon as she left the classroom, it was like she had disappeared.  
  
"Don't think I DON'T KNOW THAT," Zim barked, eyes narrowing to slits. "Now shut up and let me finish! Stupid, inferior human."  
  
"Jeez."  
  
"We have to find her base, of course. There, we'll know where she eventually returns, and set traps and surveillance equipment to track her. Then... WE STRIKE!"  
  
"Or we could just blow the thing up and leave her stranded," Dib reasoned with a shrug.  
  
"SILENCE, HUMAN! I AM THE STRATEGIST!"  
  
Dib sighed and leaned his head on his hand. This was going to be a long night.  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Lots and lots of info here, I know. But I wanted to get the biology and culture junk out of the way. Besides, how else am I gonna explain it? Simple enough for Zim to lecture Dib. Besides, GIR got to be cute, and that's all that matters. And I got to mention my friend, Pope Esh!  
(Hi Esh!)  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? The Disembodied Head Of Colonel Sanders? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Word. 


	4. Human Skin Tubes And The Aliens Who Hate...

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 4: Human Skin Tubes And The Aliens Who Hate Them  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
"Dib? Dib? DIB!"  
  
Dib's eyes snapped open as his body whipped into an upright, seated position, his nerves jumping around like Chihuahuas on speed.  
  
Ms. Bitters sneered at the child. "Stay awake! Don't make me get out the duct tape!"  
  
"Y-yes Ms. Bitters," Dib stuttered, punctuated by a yawn. He was having trouble staying awake, what with having been up until four in the AM trying to plot out strategies and generally arguing with Zim, the waffle break didn't help their time constrictions much, but he had to admit, for being an alien who hated most everything on Earth, including the food, Zim made pretty good waffles.  
  
"DIB!" Ms. Bitters barked again.  
  
Dib hadn't even realized he'd sunk into his mind and stopped paying attention, at least not until then.  
  
"Since you're so... attentive... today, why don't you answer the question for us?" Ms. Bitters pressed, her eye twitching slightly behind her elliptical lenses.  
  
"Um... c-could you repeat the question?" Dib stammered.  
  
"When did Columbus discover America?"  
  
Bloody ream, this, and Eli Whitney inventing the Cotton Gin was all they ever covered in class. Dib replied with an eerie mechanicality, "1492."  
  
"Good answer, Dib. Unfortunately, it's WRONG! Columbus discovered America in 1429."  
  
Unfortunately, this was also another regular part of class. Dib knew the answer, and that really, he didn't discover squat, but of course, the textbook is God to Ms. Bitters. And unfortunately, every History textbook in the skool is the same, with the same typo, and the same faculty attitude attached to such. Obey like circus monkey.  
  
Behind him, Dib could hear a bemused snicker escape Pez.  
  
***  
  
It was a long, arduous journey, sitting at that desk all day, but he made it. Dib had made it to lunch time without dying of exhaustion. He debated taking a nap, but then remembered the orders Zim had given him last night. Ordered around by the enemy, how pathetic.  
  
With a sigh, Dib trudged from the lunch line with his slop, passing the table he and Gaz normally sat at, and slid into the seat across from Pez on the other lone table in the corner, and nodded to her. "Hi."  
  
Pez looked up from the food she was devouring, perhaps some type of pasta, nobody could be sure. Whatever it was, the sauce it stewed in had left a ring of debris around her mouth, as she chewed, her eyes scanning Dib suspiciously. She swallowed and licked her lips, clearing her mouth of grime. "Hello. What do you want?"  
  
"Wow, you're friendly," Dib blurted out before remembering that she could kill him without flinching. Literally. Just impale him on a cheekbone or something.  
  
"Oh, yes. I'm oh so personable, please, let us vomit language and become bestest friends!" Pez took on a quite insane look, grinning so wide it made Dib uncomfortable, and her eyes taking on a hollow, staring off into nowhere look. Her look soon fell back to its normal miffed indifference, "Pah. State your reasons for bothering me, flesh-pillar."  
  
Dib narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Polite. Real polite. You know, I was going to be nice, and try and have a conversation with you, maybe make you feel like you have an ally here. So much for that, eh?"  
  
He picked up his tray and walked around back of Pez, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small electronic device. He sneered and pressed it against the back of her necklace, letting the little metal legs on the device grip on.  
  
Pez whipped around, fanged teeth exposed as she growled from low in her chest, a loud, feral sound reminding Dib of most lions in nature documentaries.  
  
"Don't you dare touch me, you detestable little insect! I could rip you limb from limb three ways sideways before you could even blink!"  
  
Dib's eyes widened and he bolted across the cafeteria, grabbing his seat next to Gaz, if only to hide behind her. When he was sure Pez was no longer about to dismember him, he quickly ate his food and sat there looking nervous, blanched white.  
  
Pez growled to herself. Stupid humans. Stupid males. Stupid. Why in the bloody world did he touch her? She shuddered, resisting her gag reflex. Freaky, big-headed child. Nice hair, though.  
  
***  
  
Zim sighed and looked around. He didn't quite enjoy standing in broad daylight like this. He noticed all the stares from people, and often had to dodge out of the way to avoid being mowed down by other pedestrians who didn't care who they pushed aside in their quest for a brainfreezy or something mundane of the sort.  
  
He adjusted his wig a bit and leaned against the wall he stood beside, crossing his arms and adopting a sour look. Where in the name of Irk was that human anyway?  
  
As if on cue, Dib came running down the sidewalk, looking triumphant, yet completely exhausted. "I did it, Zim! I planted the tracer!" He skidded to a halt and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, probably from having run the entire way from skool.  
  
"About time, human."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'd like to see you be prompt at all after not getting any sleep for three nights in a row, AND having to go to skool. I noticed you were absent today."  
  
"Yes, yes, a minor sacrifice. I had to work on some weaponry and protection in case we're caught in this little excursion. Of course, I doubt the great ZIM would ever falter so badly!"  
  
"Oh, why Zim, I'm touched. You actually made protection for me too?"  
  
"Don't think me wrong, organ bag. The last desire I have is to prevent you from falling into harm's way, but I doubt I could complete this mission without your wonderful skills at decoying. You also, I must admit, are skilled in the ways of stealthiness. So you are an ideal pawn."  
  
"Oh, you're a real charmer," Dib shook his head and sighed. "Anyway, do you have the tracing device with you?"  
  
"The great Zim always prepared, meat sack!" Zim removed his left glove and willed a small panel to part his flesh and appear. A few button presses, and the panel gave way to a screen that pushed forth on a small pillar, the skin closing around the now unoccupied area and stopping at the obstruction. The screen grew in size until it was about the size of one of the Irken's eyes, and displayed a yellow point of light on the screen. A small red blip on the screen showed where they were, stationary at the bottom center.  
  
Dib's eyebrow raised. "You're just a big sack of electronics, aren't you?"  
  
"My kind is built to last, unlike you horridly temporary beasts," Zim stated, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.  
  
"Well, at least my teeth don't look like a zipper," Dib grinned smugly and crossed his arms. "Now are we going to sit around here all day and insult each other or are we going to go get more information on Pez?"  
  
"I give the orders around here, you simpering pile of skin. Respect your elders and the such. Now, follow!"  
  
Zim took off in the direction of the yellow blip on the screen, Dib glaring and following behind, rubbing his eyes.  
  
***  
  
Pez hopped from rooftop to rooftop, having already gotten home, of course, PIR had to remind her that they were out of food, and so she had to head to the store before she could even take off her disguise.  
  
Bloody mechanical contraptions. It wouldn't be so bad if these humans had tails, so she didn't have to cloak hers. Invisible and intangible. High technology for her race, but unfortunately, it was only possible to cloak small things, and was specially designed for tails.  
  
Unfortunately as well, the intangibility of her tail meant no air resistance, no feeling that it even was there, and no balance adjustment thereof. Leaping around and running at high speeds were horridly difficult because of this. Luckily, the academy had trained students in basic movement, but some things just aren't the same.  
  
"Bloody human stink children. Why do they have to be so biologically inferior?" she growled, hopping onto another roof as she headed for the 24/7...  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Ooooh, spooky cliffhanger! WooOOooooOOooh! Okei, not really, but I can try, eh? Lots of anger and insults in this chappy. Fun! ^^ I'm running out of human flesh-related insults, though. I need to watch Futurama and pick up some more. *grin*  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Gundam W Action Figures? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Buu buu chigaimasu! 


	5. Whee! Violence!

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 5: Whee! Violence!  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
Zim suddenly came to a halt, looking studiously down at the screen. Dib, however, promptly crashed into his alien comrade, noticing his stop a little too late.  
  
"Don't touch me, human filth!" Zim barked, pushing Dib away and down on his hinder. He looked around the alley they were currenly in, eyes wide.  
  
"Well then don't stop without warning. What're you looking for?" Dib asked, pulling himself to his feet and rubbing his bruised behind.  
  
"Shh!" Zim hushed, looking around suspiciously and pointing to the screen that stuck out from his hand.  
  
Dib wandered over and looked at the screen, perplexed by what he saw.  
  
Pez's blip was directly above their own.  
  
"Wait, then that means..." Dib's eyes went wide.   
"Exactly. She's right on top of us," Zim hissed, eyes darting around, scanning the area for anything or anyone.  
  
"Exactly," echoed a female voice, and before he knew it, Zim was skidding across the alley, landing in a heap after about seven or so feet.  
  
Dib gasped in surprise and jumped backward.  
  
Pez landed on her feet with less than cat-like grace, her lack of tail knocking off her balance, so much that she had to catch herself with her hand on the ground to keep from falling. She crouched in a battle position, ready to strike, as a long bone retracted into her wrist, a light dipping of blue liquid on the tip.  
  
Dib looked over to see a long, shallow gash across Zim's torso, a cyan liquid he guessed was blood lightly staining his clothing and seeping out. He backed up slowly, eyes so wide it hurt. He remembered Zim's warnings. She was faster than him, and stronger, and considering she was a walking iron maiden, he didn's have much of a chance. He slowly backed away, ready to bolt at a second's notice. Maybe his knowledge of the area could help...  
  
Pez's ear twitched, and she turned toward the sound of scuffled footsteps, to grin at Dib, those same, fierce, fang-endowed teeth showing, glinting in the low light the alley provided in the setting sunlight, her large, emerald eyes practically glowing with feral bloodlust.  
  
Before she could take a step forward, though, she heard shifting behind her, and turned to see Zim standing, looking as defiant as ever. His spider legs errupted from his back pod, lifting him up twice his height, and subsequently, Pez's. He grinned his zipper-like grin, and made a beckoning hand motion, his glove back in place. "Bring it."  
  
Dib's eyes widened. There was no way Zim's gangly metal legs could out-juke Pez. They hadn't even seen her drop or attack until she landed! Then he realized what Zim was doing. Perhaps a decoy? That must be it! Either that, or he was completely insane.  
  
Pez growled loudly, and slowly extended the bones from her fingers outward, forming long, razor-sharp claws as she winced from the feeling. Quickly recovering as soon as the morph ended, she dove for Zim, claws swinging, ready to tear him to shreds.  
  
Zim, though, was ready for the attack, and quickly jumped as high as his spider legs could carry him, up to the top of the relatively short buildings, and holding himself between them. He grinned down at Pez and let out a triumphant laugh, then headed for the other end of the alley.  
  
Pez quickly skidded to a halt and turned back, letting out a roar as the Irken taunted her. She quickly ran to a wall and jumped as high as she could, kicking off of it, towards the next.  
  
Zim dropped down as soon as she kicked off the second time, and grabbed Dib by the collar, ripping out of his dazed state, and hauling them both as fast as they could, as far as they could, trying to stay out of public view.  
  
Pez let out another roar as soon as she hit the roof, and took off after them, running about double the fastest speed Zim's spider legs could run. Finding them, though, was another problem.  
  
Lucky for Dib and Zim, they knew the area.  
  
Unlucky for Dib and Zim, Pez now knew their scent.  
  
She raced off in the direction she could smell them, going on Dib's hair gel and Zim's blood as the strongest scent trails. She managed to catch up to them quickly.  
  
Dib looked behind as he clinged to Zim for dear life, checking for any traces of Pez catching up. Soon, unfortunately, he caught sight of white hair, and their foe rounding a corner, letting out a roar at the sight of her prey.  
  
"Gah! ZIM! SHE'S AFTER US!"  
  
"Don't you think I don't know that, stinkbeast?"  
  
"No, I mean, she's RIGHT BEHIND us!"  
  
"Well then I hope you have no regrets in life."  
  
Dib blanched white as he thought of dying at the hands of their persuer, dying at way too early an age. And to be killed by the very same thing he was trying to prove to the world existed. No way he would let that happen!  
  
"ZIM! Down that alley! Now!"  
  
"Are you as stupid as you look, human? That's a dead end!"  
  
"Exactly! Your legs can jump higher and climb faster than her claws and kicks. Those boots probably don't afford the best mobility!"  
  
"...very well. Though if I hadn't been injured and lessened of blood, I would have easily thought of such first."  
  
"Just quit being such a loud mouth and TURN!"  
  
And so Zim did, headed down a dead end, with a wild animal chasing after them, gaining every second.  
  
As soon as they hit the wall at the end of the alley, they turned around to see Pez turning down after them.  
  
"JUMP!" Dib yelled.  
  
And Zim did. He jumped as high as his legs could propel them, up to the tops of the buildings, catching them before they decended, and pulling them onto a rooftop.  
  
Pez growled, "Won't help you this time, infidels!" She leaped for the nearest wall and kicked off, headed for the next to kick off again, gaining more height by the picosecond.  
  
Zim quickly retracted his legs and extended his radio link to GIR from his pod.  
  
"GIR! Come get us! Now!" Zim barked into the comm unit.  
  
"YES, MY LORD!" came the chest-rooted reply from the robot on the other side of the line.  
  
At the same moment Pez landed on the roof, ready to murder the both of them, GIR flew in at top speed, his jets carrying him much faster than Pez's feet ever could, the wind knocking her off balance. He halted in front of Zim and Dib, who climbed onto the little robot and blasted out of there, headed back for Zim's base before Pez had a chance to stop them.  
  
"Bloody ream," she growled upon finding her prey gone. "I almost had that Irken bag of circuits too.  
  
With a growl, she retracted her claws and headed back the way she was going, to the 24/7, resuming her first mission. "Those two are in kahoots... Who'd've thought... Ah, I need some cherry fiz-wiz."  
  
***  
  
Zim and Dib fell off of GIR and onto the floor the moment the little robot zoomed into the living room.  
  
Dib, checked his pulse and wiped his brow, still breathing hard from pure, adrenaline-packed sphincter-clenching fear.  
  
Zim, however, dragged himself to his feet and headed for the kitchen, and climbed into the toilet, holding his wound and wincing. "I expect you know the way out. When you feel you're up to the walk, be gone. I doubt she'll be prowling around much longer. I'll send GIR for you when I wish to speak with you again. I need to tend to myself."  
  
And then he was gone, headed down into his base.  
  
Dib shrugged and sat down on the couch, grabbing the remote and flicking the TV on to watch for a bit, not quite up to the challenge of returning home alone. He smiled when GIR hopped onto the couch next to him.  
  
"I love this show," proclaimed the little robot with a smile.  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Whee! I just really wanted to write a fight scene in here earlier on. Sure, not much of a fight scene, considering the only blow made was one from Pez, but still. And yes, I know it wasn't a very good chase scene, but gimme a break. I used a bad setting to put one in. *shrug* But at least I gave a colour of Zim's blood! ^^  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Water Coolers? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Mullet janai! 


	6. Pook?

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 6: Pook?  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
"Pook pook pook," PIR pooked along with the little fish's mouth movements as he watched his twelfth straight hour of nature documentaries. He liked the little fishies. "Pook."  
  
***  
  
Pez sighed as she walked out of the 24/7 and took a slurp of her brainfreezy. She thought for a moment about how to carry the several bags she'd acquired from her shopping. She spied a rogue shopping cart from the local Food-4-Moor up the road, sniffed it to make sure it wasn't viciously soiled or anything, and dumped her twelve or so bags of food into it, setting about the task of pushing it down the road.  
  
"Why?" she mumbled to herself before taking another slurp. "Why?" Slurp. "Why in the universe would an Irken invader be here? And why would he team up with one of these humans? They hate other races! They even hate their own race! The spiteful little bastards. How in the name of Bast did that happen? That human must know something." Slurp. "Why else would the Irken even associate with him? Lower life forms..." Slurp. "He obviously knows the Irken's identity... A traitor to his own race? Cannon fodder? A mate, perhaps?" A snicker welled in Pez's throat. "The boy is pretty, after all..." Slurp.  
  
Pez's eyes finally fell back to her path, and she noticed an upcoming hill. An evil grin crossed her face, and she quickly tested the weight distribution of the cart, to see how front heavy it was.  
  
Perfect.  
  
She quickly extended a bone from her wrist, keeping it blunt and curling it around the side, wincing as she did. She placed her freezy in the curl of bone and nodded, satisfied with her pseudo cup holder.  
  
A running start sent the cart clattering loudly, and as soon as the decline started, she hopped onto the bottom bar of the cart and sent herself and her groceries careening down the hill at high speed.  
  
"WHEEE..."  
  
***  
  
Dib sighed as he wandered out of Zim's house. "Well, today was exciting... In a sort of 'whee, I'm gonna die' way. I guess."  
  
A shrug, and the boy was headed home, wandering out of the cul de sac and down the road, thinking over the events of the day.  
  
He suddenly perked as a familiar voice came within earshot, along with a cacophony of metallic clattering. He looked up and his eyes widened in dread.  
  
"...EEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Pez was barreling down the sidewalk on the back of a loaded shopping cart, making happy squee-type sounds, her fangs visible in her smiling mouth.  
  
"Oh...crap."  
  
And so, he did what any red-blooded hero-type male would do in his situation. He ran. Turning tail, he bolted back towards Zim's house at top speed.  
  
Unfortunately, Pez, using the magic of inclined planes, was much faster. She opened her eyes and spotted Dib running before her, a malicious grin crossing her face. She shot a foot down, skidding the cart to a near halt, leapt over the rickety trolley, and dashed after the boy.  
  
Dib chanced a look behind, to see Pez now on foot, or boot, catching up to him at lightning speed. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't looking where he was going, and sped right into a mailbox.  
  
CLANG!  
  
Pez jogged up and stopped, looking down at the now-unconscious human who lay sprawled out on the sidewalk, his forehead red, and the mailbox that laid him out suspiciously dented. She sighed.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
Leaning down and grabbing the light human, she slung him over her shoulder and went back to fetch her cart, any satisfaction over her capture dimmed by the fact that an inanimate object was able to knock him flat out cold, when she hadn't even been able to catch up to him before, when he was with the Irken.  
  
***  
  
"Ugh..." Dib's eyes lolled open, his head feeling like a Volkswagen Micro-Bus was sitting on it, his vision blurry.  
  
"Ah, I see you're awake," came the low, growling voice of his captor, echoing off the walls and the inside of Dib's skull. It took him a moment to register the voice's owner, as he hadn't been privy to this tone of it. A relaxed, mocking tone.  
  
Dib soon registered his position. He was upright, and apparently against a wall, his feet together, arms apart at his sides. From what it felt like, there were vinyl straps holding his limbs in place, another strap around his waist. This was quickly confirmed as his vision focused, and he looked down.  
  
The next thing he noticed was where he was. A large, spacious room, computers scattered, wall consoles, tons of equipment. It reminded him of a slightly less high-tech version of Zim's inner sanctum, though with more... plants scattered about.  
  
Small, potted, alien trees littered the grounds, some bearing an odd-looking, blue, orange-sized fruit. Some ferns lined the walls and the such.  
  
Then his eyes fixed on Pez, or at least, he presumed it was Pez, seated before him, legs crossed ankle-on-knee. She was out of disguise, and looked quite different, her purple skin a shocking change to the pale white he'd become used to. Also, her long, sharp tail flowing out the side of the chair and curving elegantly in the air made him gulp. He could practically feel that blade piercing his guts already.  
  
"P-Pez?" he stammered, his eyes returning to hers, as she sneered.  
  
Pez slowly stood up and stretched, her back audibly cracking, making Dib twitch. "Very astute. Indeed, my disguise is hardly ingenious, but you still seem surprised. I would've thought your little Irken boyfriend would've given you the whole roundabout on my race by now."  
  
"He has, but it's still pretty... um... unusual," Dib replied. A flinch later, he realized just what she said, "Boyfriend? Just, no!" He couldn't find the words to put forth just how unappealing that sounded, but his gagging sufficed.  
  
Pez let out a low chuckle and turned away from the grossed-out human, "PIR! Come!"  
  
A moment later, PIR leapt out of one of the trees, rolling to cushion the landing, and hopping to his feet in a dramatic pose, "Yes, my master!" The little robot saluted and assumed an at ease position.  
  
Pez smirked. "Go fetch me a fiz-wiz. Oh, and say hello to our little guest. He'll be staying for quite a while. Until I kill him." She shrugged.  
  
PIR peered around Pez at the confused Dib and oohed, then wavied happily. "HI!" He then bounced off to do as told.  
  
"Your robot! He's like Zim's!" Dib gaped in confusion.  
  
Pez turned back to Dib. "Zim? Ah yes. Your little lover..." She grinned as Dib shuddered in disgust. Implanting disturbing images in the boy's head was the most fun she'd had in a while. "Indeed. You see, SIRs, or should I say GIRs, like PIR, are Irken only. PIR's the same. But I managed to finagle my own. But if your mate has a GIR as well, he must not be a very high-priority invader. Either that, or the Tallests are more stupid than I thought." She smiled, showing her fangs.  
  
"Why do you have me here? What do you want from me?" Dib had a mad urge to run home, carve his brain out, and run it through the washer.  
  
"Two reasons. Leverage, and information. You are apparently close to the Irken, what with you two working against me, with your filthy little tracking devices. And so, having you in my claws makes it that much easier to get the Irken to surrender, or at least come here so I can kill him more easily. And you probably know quite a bit about not only our Irken friend, but also this planet. If I can squeeze some info out of you, it would be useful to my cause."  
  
Dib let out a laugh. "Me? Hardly! He would just as easily let me die as I'd let him! I'm trying to keep all of you aliens from taking over Earth! ...and perhaps get proof that you exist out to the press in the process... But still! And you probably know more about him than I do!"  
  
"LIAR!" Pez's tail shot up, screeching to a dead halt millimeters away from his face, the light glinting dangerously off of the smooth bones.  
  
"Eep."  
  
"Since you won't cooperate, I suppose I'll just have to do this the hard way. Computer!" A blip from the computer signaled its reply. "Bring out the vidscreens, set them to Earthling children's programming. The bad shite."  
  
The computer blipped in response again and soon a large screen emerged from one of the consoles and settled to a stop just behind Pez, about five or so feet away from Dib. The screen flickered for a moment, and proceeded to show some sort of preschooler show featuring humans in large, felt-covered suits singing stupid songs.  
  
"And don't forget, kiddies! Don't whiz on the electric fence," rambled a guy wearing what looked like a capybara costume.  
  
Dib screamed in horror and closed his eyes shut tight.  
  
Pez could only chuckle and wander to the lifts, ridding the room of her presence and leaving Dib to rot alone.  
  
***  
  
GIR looked around in confusion. "Master?"  
  
Zim looked over to the other side of the couch where the little robot sat, and had he had one, he would've raised an eyebrow at the moment of lucidity. "Eh?"  
  
"Did you hear that?" The little robot's 'eyes' were wide.  
  
"What?"  
  
"A sound. A sound like millions of Dibbies cried out at once, and then were silenced..."  
  
Zim blinked in confusion and a vague amount of fear at the sudden lucid poetic-icity of GIR's speech. "Um..."  
  
And in a blink, it was gone. GIR smiled wide. "Pook pook pook."  
  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Vague, semi-Star Wars-ey goodness. hehehe  
  
And a nod to Lenore. *holds up a Roman Dirge plushie and cheers*  
  
Ooh! And by the way! My art:  
http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/Archive.pl?ANO=6505  
There's Pez pic there! And PIR! Yay!  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Snowballs In Hell? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Miau! 


	7. Crop Circles Are Created By Cereal Kille...

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 7: Crop Circles Are Created By Cereal Killers  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
Knock knock knock.  
  
"Pook pook pook."  
  
The door slowly opened, and out of it peered one angry brown eye. "What do you want?"  
  
GIR stood on the doorstep of Dib's house in his doggy costume and smiled, then pooked at the shadow-shrouded Gaz inside.  
  
Gaz growled. "If you're looking for by idiot brother, he's not here. Probably off crawling through crop circles or something weird like that." And with that, and a little spooky finger wiggle, she slammed the door shut.  
  
GIR looked down sadly for a moment, then shrugged and headed back to the base, his little doggy feet squeeking with each step.  
  
***  
  
It had been at least two hours. The most harrowing two hours of his entire, short life. But somehow he'd weathered it. But it had taken its toll.  
  
"Pieeee..." Dib groaned, his head lolling down to poke his chin into his chest.  
  
Pez stepped off the lift, sipping her fiz-wiz and chewing on a large chunk of fried dough, powdered sugar melted into it.  
  
"Mmm... let's see how out little friend is, PIR," she looked behind her as the little robot trotted off of the lift, looking up innocently and chewing on his own piece of dough as big as his head.  
  
The pair of snackers headed over to where Dib was slumped in his restraints against the wall, looking particularly haggared. The vidscreen had already flickered off and retracted to whence it came.  
  
"Dibby darling," Pez cooed in amusement, and lifted his chin with a flesh portion of her tail, smirking in quite the self-satisfied manner.  
  
Cold, cruel, mocking. An invader's emotional spectrum. Not much to go on, but just as taught.  
  
PIR perched on the chair Pez had left behind and proceeded to gnaw on his dough happily.  
  
Dib looked at Pez through narrowed eyes. He sneered and pulled his face away from her tail.  
  
"Ooh, pissy, aren't we?" Pez flicked her tail away from him in a quick, simple, yet fluid motion, and headed over to one of the consoles, the claws on her feline feet clicking against the cold metal floor.  
  
With a dim flick, the console whirred to life, and soon the screen was showing a few readouts.  
  
"Computer, detect non-Earthling communication frequencies in the area."  
  
A few blips later, and the computer was scanning, frequencies whizzing across the readout so fast Dib couldn't even tell what language they were written in, until they were all cleared, and some garbled text he couldn't hope to read was displayed.  
  
Pez looked over at Dib. "Mauian traditional alphabet. You'll just hurt your brain."  
  
"Frequency found. Irken in nature. Next command?" the computer asked, its voice mid-range and female.  
  
"Very good. Um, hail frequency, display visual, the such," Pez replied, flicking her wrist.  
  
***  
  
Zim's tongue poked from between his lips as he soldered together the last pieces of the suit he'd created for himself. It should give him enough speed to stand a chance...  
  
"INCOMING TRANSMISSION!" his computer shouted, the abbrupt noise launching the little Irken out of his seat and onto the floor, shaking.  
  
"Drr... Open channel!" Zim barked in annoyance, pulling himself to his feet as a vidscreen emerged from the nearest console.  
  
He blanched as his eyes beheld the image of his caller.  
  
Pez grinned wide and smug, while PIR sat behind her, in view of Zim, finishing his fried dough. Dib hung on the wall limply, looking over at the vidscreen image of Zim with a helpless look.  
  
Zim growled. "Mauian scum! What is the meaning of this?!"  
  
"Ransom, need of a good victim, the such," she replied with a smirk. "You listen here, Irken. I've managed to whip quite the amount of classified information out of your little boytoy here. I could easily send it all back to my superiors, and they could get word back to your Tallests that you still haven't conquered this little stinkhole planet. Think of the shame! But, maybe I don't want to do that. You know what I really want, don't you?" She leaned forward, her tail whipping to the side, narrowly avoiding robbing Dib of a foot.  
  
Zim's eyes narrowed. "What's your price?"  
  
"You. Off this planet. Go conquer one of the other festering little postuoles they call planets in this galaxy. No populations known. No hard work and humans to stop your mighty Irken crappiness." She pouted mockingly.  
  
"Grr... NEVER!" Zim's antennae pressed flat back against his head.  
  
"Oh. Well. Then I guess I'll just have to let your Irken Tallests know that their Earth operative... What's your name? Zim? Yes. I'll have to tell them how much their Invader Zim is a failure. Mmm, won't that be fun?"  
  
Zim closed his eyes slowly, his dim brain working overtime on a solution to his perdicament. "Give me time," was all he said, and then closed the channel off, ending the transmission.  
  
***  
  
"Well hell, that went well," Pez sighed and ruffled her bangs in exasperation. "I just know he's gonna try something stupid now..."  
  
Dib just glared at Pez through knitted brow.  
  
She raised an eyebrow and turned to the boy. "What? Oh what? You all sore because I tortured you. Well sorr-y! You think that's bad, you wouldn't last a day in the academy, you miserable excuse for a mammal!" Pez snorted indignantly.  
  
Dib's eyebrow raised.  
  
"Besides, it's not like I'm being some kind of evil little freak trying to defame the jerk for no reason! Irk and Mau formed a treaty a while back declaring that they wouldn't invade the planets the others have reported as claimed! Mau claimed this dinky little planet, and when I get here, I find a bloody Irken waiting to take my prize!" And with that, she swept her bangs back and dropped her arms, letting the shaggy hair fall back into place, and walked back out of the room, taking the lift up and leaving PIR to his own playing.  
  
Dib just blinked in confusion.  
  
PIR wandered over to Dib and smiled up at him. "Master equals stressful. Tengo el pollo del muerto! Y tu? Boku wa shi desu no da!"  
  
Dib sighed. It was going to be a long evening.  
  
"Do you like cheese?"  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: Okei, it was asked in me lovely lovely reviews, so I must let y'all in on a big secret. Yes, I be the same Luna "Tic" Vee that runs Chibi Bishounen, aka the biggest waste of bandwidth ever. W00t! Just had to put that question to rest. You can stone me again. ^.^  
  
On another note, I really don't like this chapter, and I'm not sure why. It just sorta goes nowhere, and Pez's characterization has been bugging me for some reason. *shrug* Eh.  
  
One more note 'fore I wrap this up. My good good buddy Tabi, aka Taklay, aka, um, I dunno what her pen name here on FF.net is, but yeah. Anyway, she did some Pez fanart!  
http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/DisplayImg.pl?INO=179199  
Half a cheer for Tabi! Hip hip! Hoo!  
  
And here's her whole archive, where you can see all her shibby art that makes me make little envy sounds sometimes.  
http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/Archive.pl?ANO=5408  
  
Word.  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Potpourri? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! Moo! 


	8. Shist Fake Of DOOM!

The Dispensing Of Pez  
Chapter 8: Shist Fake Of DOOM!  
by Luna "Tic" Vee  
***  
  
"Why that traitorous..." Zim threw down his soldering iron and growled in frustration.  
  
"How dare he attempt to double-cross ME! And only to get captured in the act and held prisoner anyway, the FOOL! Stupid human stinkbeasts! Foolish child! Betraying our alliance, I was foolish to think that dirty human would keep his word! He will pay... OH HOW HE WILL PAY!!!"  
  
A fist shake of doom followed, punctuated by evil laughter.  
  
"GIR!" Zim yelled, poking a button on the console before him.  
  
"YES, MY MASTER! AUGH!" rattled the voice on the other end of the comm.  
  
"Retrieve the equipment I was working on. Those beasts will pay."  
  
"Okee!" GIR squeaked, cutting the transmission.  
  
Zim's eyes narrowed as a grin pulled at the corner of his mouth. "Oh, they will pay..."  
  
***  
  
"And so that is the current state of the operation, your highness," Pez finished, with a small bow.  
  
She stood before a viewscreen in her living room, looking particularly blanched and nervous. The screen showed the image of a tall, plain-looking Mauian woman, with jaw-length ebony hair, large gilded eyes, and wearing a long, slinky, emerald green gown with silver, swirling designs decorating the seams. Her tail blade was a straight, thin (as wide as the tail itself), flat blade, much like a sword, with a simple opalescent jewel set into the base where flesh ends into bone. A simple green cord with an opalescent, dagger-shaped jewel hanging from it as a pendant sat upon her head, the jewel dangling before her forehead. She was apparently some form of royalty.  
  
She spoke with a stern, deep voice that commanded attention. "Indeed. The information will be noted in the invasion fleet logs, and we'll just have to have a word with Irk about their insubordination. Good work thus far, Invader Pez. You do Mau proud."  
  
"Thank you very much, my liege. I am honoured to have your blessing," Pez bowed her head gratefully and dropped her tail down as well before returning to attention.  
  
The woman was about to speak again when a young woman interrupted her, bowing down to her side.  
  
"Infinite pardons, my queen, but I have urgent news about the invasion fleet sent to planet Zappa."  
  
The woman was about four or so inches shorter than the queen, and had long, tied back black hair, shaved around the sides and up the back, with a small braid on either side of her face. Beneath her lone golden eye on the right of her face was tattooed a white 'z'-like shape, with a diagonal bottom line pointing downward. She wore a simple pair of green pants and a white shirt, the left sleeve reaching to her wrist, and the right being nonexistant, only a strap in its place. Her tail blade was identical to that of Pez.  
  
Pez looked a bit startled to see the woman. "Mother," she whispered quietly, hoping not to be heard. It had been long since she'd seen her family, what with the training academy and her duty as an invader. Quite the welcome sight, if not a bit disheartening.  
  
The queen sighed. "Fine, but this had better be important, Git."  
  
"I apologise, my liege, but the hail said it was urgent they speek with you," the woman, Git, Pez's mother, replied apologetically, getting to her feet.  
  
"Very well. I'll be there momentarily," replied the queen, sending Git off. She turned back to Pez and sighed. "The duties of a queen. I suppose this concludes our conversation unless you have anything to add quickly."  
  
"I have but a question, your highness," Pez began. "Should I be confronted by the Irken, what are my orders?"  
  
"Mm..." the queen thought about this. "Destroy if nessecary, I suppose. Now off with you. Mau, out."  
  
And with that, the screen went blank and flickered off.  
  
Pez sighed and sunk down onto the couch. "Well, unpleasent emotions abounds, I guess."  
  
She leaned back into the soft furnishing and looked up at the ceiling comprized of wiring and gadgetry, her eyes narrowing.  
  
"... Mother... Father... Sage... it's been a long time. I haven't seen Mother and Father since I graduated and went off to the invader assigning... And Sage... Not since I was seventeen... Wow. I'm old!" A small smile crossed her features. "When I conquer this ratty little sphere, maybe I can have some off time to visit with them again. I'm sure her majesty will let me. After all, as she said, I've been doing quite well."  
  
She lay there for a moment in thought, her eyes fluttering open and closed, until a sudden urge struck her. She hopped up and stretched, "Mm, I wonder how my prisoner's doing. ...Ah crap, I forgot to ask what to do with him! I guess I should kill him too..."  
  
She shrugged and headed to the lift in the closet.  
  
***  
  
PIR smirked evily at Dib from his perch atop a nearby console. The little robot held a rather large and rather vicious-looking knife in his little metal hand, and was grinding a sharpening stone against the edge, a gritty shink sound echoing through the lab with each pass.  
  
Dib eyed the knife warily. He wasn't sure what to think. PIR was certaily as erratic and hungry as Zim's bot, but he'd never seen GIR be so... evil and spooky. He didn't trust this violent-looking little robot, and with each pass of the sharpening stone, Dib feared more and more for his life.  
  
"PIR!" barked Pez's voice, echoing from the other side of the spacious lair.  
  
PIR dropped the stone and hid the knife behind his back, turning to look over at his approaching master with as innocent a smile as he could muster.  
  
Pez narrowed her eyes and snatched the little robot off of the console, smacking him off with the broad side of her tail blade, then coiling the long appendage around his body, catching him in mid-air. She sighed.  
  
Dib felt oddly thankful.  
  
"PIR, what did I say about killing things without my permission?" Pez inquired, setting PIR down on the floor.  
  
"What killin'? I didn't kill nuffin'! I dunno what yer talkin' about, Master!" PIR replied, his "eyes" widening to enhance his cute factor. He could usually get out of trouble if he got cute enough.  
  
"Sure, you didn't yet..." Pez began, and bent over, grabbing the little robot by the head and spinning him around to find the knife he held behind his back. She quickly snatched it before he could pull it away. "But I see you were planning to. Now you know what I say about killing my hostages, PIR."  
  
"I wasn't gonna kill 'im, honest!" PIR protested, turning back around to face his master. "I was just playin' wiff 'im..."  
  
Pez sighed in exasperation and planted the knife into the nearest wall. "... I'll deal with you later. Go, scoot. Off with ye." She flicked her wrist in a general direction away from them and turned on her heel, giving PIR a little shove with the flat side of her tail.  
  
PIR, grudgingly, headed off to the lift.  
  
Pez sighed and looked to Dib. "Forgive PIR. He likes to kill things. Precious, ne?"  
  
Dib just blinked in confusion.  
  
Pez shrugged and wandered up to the still-restrained Dib, an eyebrow quirked. "Mmm... So... I just talked to my superiors. I have the OK to have some fun with you now," she grinned wide and poked the sickle-like spike in the young paranormalist's hair. "I'm to wring as much information out of you as I can get. Then, I guess it's up to me wether I kill you or not. Maybe PIR can have his fun after all." A wicked grin crossed her young features.  
  
Dib growled. "I already told you! I know next to nothing! I'm just glorified cannon fodder!"  
  
"Lies!" Pez roared, her tail once again rising to his face, only to stop just before it.  
  
"You don't seem to realize that I know what I'm dealing with, here," she hissed.  
  
"Any Irken invader worth his SIR would never keep an ill-informed operative. Information is power, and if you're working with that Irken, then any agents of his would have the optimum knowledge of the entire situation, so as to know exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. By my recolection, you should have at least the ability to do a blind assemble-disassemble of half of his rifles by now, not including know the programming of his GIR unit and have a comm link to it with full use authorization of it." She growled, showing her fangs as her tail dropped behind her.  
  
"Zim isn't a good invader! I don't know any of that stuff! I don't even know much about him! I'm not an agent of his, and until today I didn't even know what KIND of robot GIR was, let alone how to program it! I'm just a kid! A regular, stupid, human kid!" Dib cried, struggling in his bonds.  
  
Pez sighed. "He's trained you well. You're quite the actor, you know. Good show. Unfortunately..." she held up her palm and winced a bit as three small bones extended, pushing and growing under skin of her palm in a sickening display, until they finally grew sharp enough to slice the violet flesh open, bringing forth a flinch from Pez.  
  
Dib watched, a mixture of horror and nausia washing over him as his imagination worked over time, making him feel a vague simile to what Pez must have been feeling. His honey eyes were stuck painfully wide.  
  
The bones finished growing finally. Poking forth from the invader's palm were half-inch, double-sided blades, with tiny blades decorating the flatter sides.  
  
Pez smirked. "I'll give you one last chance to concede. I want to know every vital piece of information you have. Now... tell me... where is Zim's base, and what kind of treachery is Irk planning?" She held her palm inches away from Dib's face, eyes slit, mouth a stern line.  
  
Dib winced and prayed to every deity of every religion he could think of, fear welling up inside of him like a big belch. "I... I don't know."  
  
Pez shook her head. "Maybe I can get you to cooperate eventually." And with that, she grabbed Dib's left shoulder with her bladed hand, the sharp bones sinking into his flesh, and already she could feel the warm blood start to trickle, as she twisted her hand and the blades within his limb...  
  
***  
  
PIR looked up from the bin of clothes he was digging through and sighed as a piercing scream rang through the house.  
  
"Aww... I wanted to make 'im make dat sound..."  
  
***  
  
Authoress' Notes: W00t! A little more Pez back story! There's not too much of this in this fic, I know. It would be too hard to work in, though. It'll be explained in another fic eventually, though. Though it won't be IZ, of course. Sure, she might be back in another IZ fic later, but... um... what was I talking aboot?  
  
Eh, whatever. Anyway, I now have an urge to draw the queen. hehe  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: All things Zimlike are property of Jhonen Vasquez. Worship his elliptically-glasses-ed brilliantness.  
  
***  
  
Questions? Comments? Kick In The Ass? E-mail me at Druidess@msn.com  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading! Stop and drop a review before leaving! W00t! 


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